I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
