I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
