I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
