i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize