Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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