I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
