just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
