I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
