C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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