Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
