look no pants
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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