1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
