don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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