Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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