Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
there is puke in my bra ... again
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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