this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
