That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
