I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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