Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
