I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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