brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
