my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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