I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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