I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
