My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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