Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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