don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
