the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
