I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize