did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
