I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
