So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
