Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
