i just wanna soil my oats bro
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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