he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
