How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
there's paper in my vomit.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
