OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize