i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
