the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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