Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize