i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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