I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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