sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm having to shit out rocks
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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