life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
