so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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