I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
