Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
