maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We are all done wearing pants today
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
