He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
