Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
