Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
