I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
