I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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