I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize