Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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