You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
