you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
