Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
and she was petting her beer can
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
