I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize